Faking it...

My son Tyler gets these moods where he will decide he either wants something or wants to do something. Typically they are things slightly out of the norm of everyday life. So, recently when he asked for a cactus I was not surprised one bit.

We ended up having to go to Home Depot for something and they sell them there. He picked one out and it was a tiny one. All of about 2 dollars. I told him fine but then I saw one I liked too. I told him he could have his but, that we were also getting the other one. The picture you see here is the one I liked. It has the 2 yellow flowers and I thought it was pretty. I figured as it grew the flowers may bloom further. Well not so fast Tom!

The other night I was sitting in the living room looking at the cactus and when I commented my daughter said, "Daddy you do know the flowers are fake right?" Actually I didn't know it. Well sure enough the flowers are fake and actually hot glued on! Click on the picture to make it larger and look close. You can see the dab of glue! Needless to say, I am bummed. Who actually does this? I feel cheated.

My only explanation was that the cactus must be female. I had heard that women do fake it from time to time. Not wanting to let that stop me I thought I would just go right ahead and deflower it anyway. I had never deflowered a cactus before. Well guess what? The damn thing is a cross dresser too! In the process of trying to deflower it, I got pricked!

I feel dirty. I was used. I got cheated by Home Depot and right now, someplace south of the border, there is some mexican cactus farmer laughing his ass off about it!....tm

Redneck Fire Alarm

Now that's funny stuff! I don't care who you are!

"Stop staring at my A$$!"

"Stop staring at my ass!"

How many times have you heard a woman say that to a guy? For years women have been complaining that guys are pigs and constantly perving them. We have been hammered time and time again hearing "My eyes are up here!" while talking to a woman. I happen to be what they call an "ass man." Basically I appreciate a nice pair of jeans or better yet, a thong on a woman at the beach. But, in being respectful I have learned not to stare. I am sure I am not alone in this. Guys everywhere have been conditioned to be more respectful.

Well, now that we have learned, suddenly women are realizing they are not getting the same attention any more. Or so it seems. Perhaps they miss the whistles or the stares as they walk by. That is the only possible reason I can find for this:


Now if you ask me, this is just not fair. How are we supposed to just ignore this? This really creates some major mental anguish. Not to mention high blood pressure! If you could read our minds you may hear something like this:

"OMG! Nice butt!... Wait, those pants are yellow, not pink.... Oh man is my wife staring at me?... I better stop staring.....Is she wearing a thong? I think I see panty lines.....I know I should stop looking but man!...Think baseball, think baseball....I sure hope her boyfriend doesn't catch me staring.....I wonder if those come in braille? Now THAT would be fun to read then!...."

News flash ladies, if you put things on your butts that is going to draw our attention, we are going to look. And yes we may even stare. Can you blame us? So, if you are one of those women that don't want the extra attention, try wearing baggy pants from now on and please spare us the bumper stickers!....tm

Music 4 My Monday

This is one of those songs that always has me singing loud and with feeling. I have often wondered about my life and if I am living up to what people thought I would as a kid. I have come to realize that I really don't give a damn what others think of my life or how I live it. It's MY life.

Parenting with your head up your ass....

This is an open letter to all the oblivious parents out there:

Dear parent,

I am one of the Officers that deals with your teenager on a regular basis. I am writing to ask you why you allow your child to do the things they do out in the world. Are you aware that your 15 year old son is hanging out with about a dozen other boys and girls that all drink beer? You will be happy to know that your son says he was not drinking and he thinks it is stupid that all the rest were. Since you insist your child is an honest and "good kid" I am sure that the pictures I just saw, on the digital camera that was left behind when they all ran, of him chugging the Bud Light were simply posed. Oh your son's school back pack is in the back of my car at the moment. It seems to be full of beer that he was "just holding for a friend!" You can feel free to contact the office on Monday and get it back. I do have to ask why you didn't question the fact that he was leaving the house with an empty back pack to begin with. Especially since it is now 2 AM on a Thursday night....and school has been out for over a month. When you buy him a new one in September you may want to make sure it is slightly smaller than the size of a cold 18 pack of Bud Light. Oh and be sure to let your son know that I appreciated him spitting at me and calling me a "fucking asshole" It let me know he took a minute to notice that I was doing my job.

By now I am sure you are also wondering what became of your 16 year old daughter who also was out with her friends tonight. You know the one. She said she was "going to sleep at Lisa's house" tonight. Yes that would be the same Lisa that told her parents that she is sleeping at your house tonight. Well, it appears that the girls have learned what it takes to survive in life. When your son's friends could not get beer on their own, your daughter walked into 7-11 and offered to let the nice middle aged man see her naked in the back room if he would sell her the beer. When he agreed, she decided to give him a blow job in exchange for giving her the beer for free. How resourceful! I guess you taught her to be thrifty too!

Now I don't want you to think that all your kids do things they don't tell you about though. Your 17 year old daughter did actually go to the party with her friends. I know this because when I was getting coffee I overheard several boys talk about how hot it was to see your daughter involved in the girl-on-girl sex in the middle of the room while every one watched. These boys actually took pictures on their cell phone so that the poor guys with stricter parents get to see what they missed. It must have been a fun party since it was based on pretty things. I heard them call it a "Rainbow Party" Now if you don't know what a rainbow party is I suggest you Google it. I did and I was surprised to see it involves lipstick and penises and not actual rainbows. So much for the Kermit the Frog song now stuck in my head.

Well seeing what a fine job you are doing raising those kids I will end this here. I guess I don't have to tell you what your kids are doing next weekend. But, rest assured, I will be out there again confiscating the beer and telling your daughter to put her panties back on. So you can go right back to enjoying the feeling of warmth you get with your head up your own ass.

Yours Truly,
Officer Tom

PS-Could you please tell the kids to drink something other than Bud Light? I have enough of that in my fridge right now. Maybe tell your daughter if she goes even further with the store clerk, he will give her a case of Sam Adams.


What you read above is not made up. All 3 instances actually happened. Ok not to kids in the same family but, I did deal with those situations on various nights at work. What I am trying to point out to you is that your kids are not always as innocent as you would like to think. They may be drinking and having sex. They may do drugs and they can get into trouble. Take the time to ask them where they are going. Never assume that because they have a cell phone that they are safe or behaving. You can not save all their friends but, you are only responsible for raising your own. At the very least please teach them that people like me are not trying to put an end to their fun. We were young once too. Forget the fact that I am a Code Enforcement Officer. I am also a dad and I would not want my own kids doing these things!

Random Pic of the Day

This is actually a picture I took last spring in my back yard. We had a Robin that made a nest about 7 feet off the ground in the Dogwood tree. You could see it clearly from my second floor bedroom. We watched as the momma sat on her eggs and eventually had her babies. I was able to actually get within 2 feet to take my pictures once momma got used to me being there. It was awesome watching the babies grow. I took a lot of pictures. Katie was excited to watch it all as well.

Random Pic of the Day

This is Cookie. Or as I like to call him, Meathead! If I go outside, he follows me....everywhere! Last night in between downpours of rain, I went out to BBQ. Cookie of course followed behind hoping I would drop something I am sure. Or perhaps if he stared at me with those bug eyes and stupid grin, he could hypnotize me into just giving it to him.

Honest Scrap

My blogger friend Sally at http://sallyannestephenson.blogspot.com/tagged me with this award so of course I am playing along.

The Rules

-Each blogger to whom the award is given must post these requests.

-Each blogger to whom the award is given must list 10 random things about themselves and pass the award on to other recipients.

-The award recipients then need to do the same.

-Don't forget to leave a comment telling the recipient about the award.

1. I suffer from diabetes

2. I tend to keep people at a distance out of fear of being hurt.

3. There is only one person in this world that I have never tried to push away. (Aside from my kids and no it is not my wife).

4. I tend to make jokes when I get nervous.

5. I hate having to repeat myself.

6. I have been to a nude beach.

7. I got a sunburn in a place I should not have and could not sit right for 2 weeks!

8. I broke my hand when I was 17 by punching a sign. (The sign won).

9. I was hit by a car when I was 15.

10. I am intrigued by vampire stories these days. (I am reading the Jeaniene Frost Night Huntress series).

Ok since the ones I would have chosen to repost this have already done so, I will choose others instead. So I choose:

Jen at http://aglimpseintomymind.blogspot.com/

Melinda at http://thebrookshirefam.blogspot.com/

Seomi at http://escape-into-insanity.blogspot.com/

36 things I have come to realize

Well Dena tagged me as the person most likely to do this one and of course she is right. I enjoy this type thing. Sorry it took me over a week to do it but, I was away.

1. I’ve come to realize that my chest-size. . .is something I hope I never have to worry about. Not sure how I would look with the dreaded "man-boobs."


2. I’ve come to realize that my job. . .is something I really love. Even though it has its stressful moments, I go to sleep at night knowing I may have saved someone's life that day.

3. I’ve come to realize that when I’m driving. . .I am the only person on Earth that actually knows how to drive. People that drive faster than me are stupid a**holes and the ones that drive slower are morons. Think about that for a minute. You know you say it too!

4. I’ve come to realize that I need. . .take better care of my health. I seem to be falling apart these days. Too many aches and pains.

5. I’ve come to realize that I have lost. . .moments in my children's lives that I will never get back.

6. I’ve come to realize that I hate it when. . .people either interrupt me or totally ignore what I am saying! So, wake up and pay attention! lol

7. I’ve come to realize that if I’m drunk. . .I get really ...uhm...there are kids that read my blog so let me say amorous! The animal lust comes out.

8. I’ve come to realize that money... is something that I never seem to have enough of but, that it can't buy the things that matter most in life.

9. I’ve come to realize that certain people. . .know how to play me.

10. I’ve come to realize that I’ll always. . .forgive those who have wronged me whether they deserve it or not

11. I’ve come to realize that my sibling(s). . .seem to lack the motivations they need to work harder

12. I’ve come to realize that my mom…going senile. She tends to forget a lot of things these days. To the point that it is getting scary.

13. I’ve come to realize that my cell phone. . .something I would be totally lost without!

14. I’ve come to realize that when I woke up this morning. . .that I have only slept about 4 hours in the last 48. I am a zombie right now.


15. I’ve come to realize that last night before I went to sleep. . .that the sun was starting to brighten the eastern sky! It was about 4 AM

16. I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking. . .that I may go to lunch and fall asleep at the docks in the car.

17. I’ve come to realize that my dad. . .is the one that genetically passed on all those aches and pains I mentioned in #4



18. I’ve come to realize that when I get on Facebook. . .that I spend too much time playing games. But, it has been fun reestablishing contact with people from my past.


19. I’ve come to realize that today. . .is the day after yesterday

20. I’ve come to realize that tonight. . .I should go to bed early but most likely won't

21. I’ve come to realize that tomorrow. . .I need to mow the front lawn!

22. I’ve come to realize that I really want to. . .learn how to eliminate the last remaining negative parts of my life.

23. I’ve come to realize that the person mostly likely to repost this is. . .Maggie if she were to ever come back and read it to begin with.

24. I’ve come to realize that life. . . is best when shared with dear friends and family.

25. I’ve come to realize that this weekend. . .I hope to relax for once.

26. I’ve realized the best music to listen to when I am upset. . is actually sad songs. They help me to clear my head.

27. I’ve come to realize that my friends. . .live way too far away!

28. I’ve come to realize that this year. . .is flying by really fast. It is already middle of July!


29. I’ve come to realize that my exes. . .is still someone I can be friends with. I have been talking to her over the last year after not talking in over 15 years.


30. I’ve come to realize that maybe I should. . .go to lunch instead of sitting here falling asleep while I type this.

31. I’ve come to realize that I love. . .the people in my life. That includes all of my friends near and far.

32. I’ve come to realize that I don’t understand. . .why people are capable of doing the things they do to each other in life.

33. I’ve come to realize my past. . . is a part of who I am. I can not change it. Now would I want to!

34. I’ve come to realize that parties. . .are things I dread going to but always enjoy when I do go.

35. I’ve come to realize that I’m totally terrified. . .of something happening to one of my kids.

36. I’ve come to realize that my life. . .may not be all that interesting and it is never easy but it is MY life. I will live it how I choose to.

I would love to see what all of my blogging buddies have to say when they repost this with their own responses! So get busy!

Thought 4 My Thursday

"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off!"

Saving a child

Being a child in this world is one of the hardest things in life. Every day we hear stories about children being hurt, killed, abused, or falling ill to one of the many illnesses out there. I myself was a victim of sexual abuse at a very young age. It breaks my heart to see children suffering. Perhaps that is what drives me to fight for children.

Every year for the last 20 years, a group I belong to holds a charity golf outing to raise money to donate to various childhood medical research groups. I have organized it for the last 10 years. Tomorrow will be our 20th outing. At 8 AM we will all tee off and hopefully enjoy a really nice day on the course. Afterward we will enjoy a nice dinner and a few drinks. Once again I will be behind the microphone hosting the festivities and raffling off a number of great prizes. And if things go as they usually do, we will raise over $10,000 to give away.

It started out that we would donate to St. Jude's Children Hospital. However, due to the success of our events, we now also give money to The Ronald McDonald House, Schneider's Children Hospital, The Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation, and one or two others. We have donated well over a quarter million dollars over the years.

I hope to be able to continue this in the years to come. I love the warm feeling of knowing that perhaps another child will grow up to have children of their own. Or that a mother will be able to hug her baby one more day. At the very least, I hope we are able to continue giving kids a reason to smile in this world. A smile of hope.....tm

I'm home!...sigh.....

I had an awesome week camping in Rhode Island last week. The weather was spectacular. Daytime highs were in the upper 60 to low 70s (About 22 celcius for my European friends). At night the temp was dropping into the low 50s. Just perfect sleeping weather.

It was great seeing my son Kevin again. He is working there for the summer and I had not seen him in a few weeks. Tuesdays are his day off so we got to spend a fair amount of time just hanging out and having fun.

Tyler kept pretty busy as well. He earned four new badges. The one to be most proud of is his swimming badge. Two years ago he was afraid to even jump in the water. He couldn't swim at all. He has been taking lessons and is actually now on a "pre-team" squad. He actually swims a number of different strokes and races in the relays. This year he is planning to try out for the swim team. The coaches have been pushing for him to try out.

I spent time at night sitting on a rock by the pond staring at the stars and thinking about life. I prayed for all my friends and was just so at peace. I tried sending a blog from my cell but, there is not even a cell signal where I was sitting. Here is what I had tried to send:

Its my 2nd night in the woods of RI. Im sitting on a rock by the pond listening to the bullfrogs. There is a fill moon in the clear night sky and I just saw an owl fly over. I see no signs of modern civilization and I am at peace with nature and God. This is why I look forward to my week here each year. In a few minutes I will pray for each of you and say good night to the stars. I will sleep well knowing I get to do this all over again tomorrow.

The boys were not the only one busy that week. I spent my afternoons getting certified by the Red Cross in Wilderness First Aid. I passed with flying colors. So, if I ever come across you hurt in the wilderness, you are in good hands. LOL

Of course this week I am back home and back at work. It has been a stressful week so far and I am already longing to go back to one of the only places on Earth that has made me feel so at peace. Oh well, I can look forward to next year....tm

One of the local residents came to visit us.

Tyler had to build a shelter and spend a night sleeping in it to learn Wilderness Survival.

This is the rock area I sit at night. You can see sooo many stars here at night!

This was my home for the week.

Tyler and Kevin on the Sunday we were heading home. It was hard leaving Kevin behind.

It's Official!

It is confirmed. I have totally lost my mind. I went to send a text message to Dena about an hour ago. I punched in the number and then sat there staring blankly at it for a minute. It took me that long to realize that trying to send a message on a calculator just is not going to work. Doh! To make matters worse, I then proceeded to totally forget what it was I wanted to say to begin with! I turn 46 next Weds and I guess senility is giving me practice for growing older.

Dena: We will be the best of friends until we are old and senile. And then we will be NEW friends!

Luckily for me, tomorrow I have the day off and then I leave Sunday to spend a week camping with my son Tyler and the other scouts of the troop. One whole week of no modern conveniences. No computer. No phone. No television. No work. No wife. (Woops did I just say that?). I really need this vacation.

I did set my blog to be able to post from my cell phone so I may be able to post some Random Pics of the Day from my sanctuary in the woods of Rhode Island. I can't have you all forgetting who I am if I am gone for a week. lol

Thought 4 My Thursday

Something to really think about:

If you could send a message back in time to yourself, what would it be?

Maybe it's just me?

It seems lately the littlest things turn into major battles in my house. Nothing is ever kept strictly to the immediate issue. Tonight it started out about the way I am doing the sidewalk in front of our house. It quickly became, "Well let me tell you what's wrong with you Tom!" When I asked to stick to talking about the sidewalk I get told, "It's not just the sidewalk. It's this, this, and that!"

So my question for you is this, When you have a disagreement with someone, are you able to keep it simple or do you take the opportunity to blast that person about everything since the dinosaurs died?