Lost in Translation

Every once in awhile you come across things that leave you wondering. Take the following store front in Japan. With so many English speaking people in Japan, I guess they wanted to make their point? The only thing I can think of is they tried to use a Google Translator!

 (Yes this is real. lmao!)

My dad is a dildo? Huh?

Yesterday was Christmas. As is typical for the day we got up early, opened the gifts under the tree, leaving the stocking stuffers for the evening, then got everyone moving and dressed. My parents have been doing breakfast at their house every Christmas since I was about 3. Since my wife's family does family dinner it is never a conflict for us to head out to one family in the morning and the other half in the late afternoon.

Over the years the family has grown. While my grandparents have passed away and that lessens the family at the table by three (my dad's mom died in 1975), there are now 7 grandkids that were not part of the picture before. Factor in that the house my parents moved into several years ago has a smaller dining room and you will appreciate how tight the table gets with 15 people. Somehow we always manage and we always have fun. We all sit around enjoying a nice breakfast and sharing some laughs. The kids tend to be loud which gets my mom a bit on edge but since 3 of them are mine, I am used to a bit of a constant din. Add in the fact it is Christmas and I challenge you to find me a kid that can sit still and not be excited.

Despite the nerves jumping away, my mom actually enjoys the kids joking with her and playfully teasing her. It was something I used to do with her mom. Even though my grandfather would get annoyed at me I kept right on doing it. He would insist I was being disrespectful. Of course my grandmother would just laugh and tell him, "Shut up Fred." So, just as her mother enjoyed the playfulness, so does my mom.

My mom hates her middle name. It is Hilda. She does not like people saying it. She does not like people even knowing it. (Don't tell her I told it to you). The grandkids all think it is funny to tease her about it though. She laughs along for the first 30 seconds and then tells them that is enough. My sister's son just does not know when to give up though. That is a whole other story. At the breakfast table he started in again with  "Grandma Hilda." This got my brother's son started. They kept going back and forth. Now anyone with kids knows that they like to find names that rhyme. Joey, my brother's son, decided to also include my father in their teasing. I am sure you are sitting there trying to find a rhyme for "Hilda" and probably having no luck. Neither did Joey. But, as kids will do, he used something he thought was close. And that is when it happened. Over the voices of everyone he blurts out, "Grandma Hilda and Grandpa Dildo!",,,,,,I will give you a minute to stop giggling. Needless to say, we all just stopped for a split second and then all started laughing hysterically. Of course Joey thinks we are all laughing with him so he says it again...and again...and again. Finally we had to tell him that it was not appropriate. He has no clue what he was actually saying and started to get upset thinking he may be in trouble. I looked at my brother and said, "He is your kid. I am not telling him what a dildo is."

I don't know if his parents ever explained to him why being called a dildo may not be the best thing. All I do know is this will be a story that probably gets repeated at our Christmas breakfasts for years to come.

The tooth fairy ain't made of gold kiddo!

I got home from my business trip on Thursday evening. Katie was already at dance class. I headed over to the dance studio. When I got there, the first class had just ended. Katie saw me coming and ran and gave me the biggest hugs! She really made my day. She kept telling everyone how it was her "lucky day" since she had lost a tooth and her daddy came back home.

Later that night when Katie went to bed, she placed her tooth under her pillow. I keep the golden dollar coins handy for these special nights. Just before I headed to bed myself, I tip-toed into her room to check on the tooth fairy. I reached under her pillow to look for the tooth. What I found was the tooth and the following note:

It is the memories like this one that make my life worth living and make me always look forward to getting home from my trips!

Can you see me blushing now?

Ok, so as you may or may not know, this Saturday is the long awaited dance recital. Several of us have agreed to slip into a tutu and dance swan lake. All for the sake of giving our daughters something to remember later in life. Probably in therapy or in dreams that wake them up screaming in the night. As you can tell, I really don't mind doing it. (If I did, I would not be posting this picture). We have had the best time laughing and joking as we rehearsed for our performance on stage.

So, as promised, here is my recital picture:

I am in the back on the far left. Two of the group are missing from the picture, but you certainly get the idea.

Random Pic of the Day

So now my question for you ladies is this: Thinking about what happens to pasta when you boil it, would you bother to even cook it first?

Random Pic of the Day (I'm scared!)

The picture below is of a recent school project done by my daughter. Click on it to make it larger and read what she wrote under her drawing. I was laughing so hard my sides hurt. She doesn't know what is so funny about it and I think I will wait until she is older before I explain it. LOL

I like to torment my GPS

I have GPS on my cell phone. I always use it on long trips, even if I know where I am going. Because it is on my Verizon phone, it has up to the minute traffic reports and it gives me a pretty good idea of how long it is before I will reach my destination. It is pretty accurate too and if I pull into a rest area or off the highway it alwys self corrects and gives me the voice saying, "Recalculating route." Sometimes I do it just for fun. The kids like to hear it get mad at me.

This past weekend I used it on my way back from our camping trip. As I got closer to home I took a different route and of course the GPS made adjustments. My son commented about the female voice almost sounding annoyed at me for making up my own route. Of course I am not about to give into a female telling me what to do, even if she is nothing more than an electronic device. You ladies have your BOB, us guys have our GPS girlfriends. I somehow think your pleasure is better but hey, it's what I've got. So anyway, I made another non-approved detour and again the GPS yelled at me. It reached a point that it was telling me to turn onto streets that I had already passed. I think I may have really pissed her off. Either that or she has blond electrons. Because when I pulled up in front of my house, instead of getting the normal "You have reached your destination" my nagging electronic copilot decided to tell me to "Make the next legal U-turn" (I live on a dead end street so she knew I had to turn around). Of course I wanted to see what she had in mind so I started to scroll through the directions. This is what she was asking me to do: (I am abbreviating street names to thwart the paparazzi).

GPS: Make Next legal U-Turn (Note: we did not actually do this since we had just been driving for 4 hours to get here).

Me: Uhm I am already home here on O Avenue

GPS: Make a right onto O Street and prepare to turn right.

Me: That is the way I just came from.

GPS: Make a right onto L Ave. and proceed .2 miles to H street.

GPS: Make a right onto H Street and prepare to turn right on M Avenue.

Me: Why?

GPS: Make a right onto M Avenue and proceed .3 miles to O Street.

GPS: Make a right onto O Street and prepare to turn right onto O Avenue. Your destination will be on the right.

Me: Yes I am aware of that because I am already here.

My boys and I sat there hysterical laughing. I sure hope she forgets our laughing at her directions or next time she may direct me into a lake. LOL

What About Me 4 My Wednesday

Ok so I am a day late with this one, but I am on vacation this week so I am taking it easy.

I do my best to be the type of dad that is always involved in what my kids are doing. I know they grow up too fast and I want to enjoy those special moments when I can. And as at least one of you knows, I will do pretty much anything for a laugh. I have found a way to combine the two in my latest project.

My daughter Katie dances. She is in 4 different dance groups and she loves being on stage. My favorite being the ballet. Well, this year I have the chance to participate. Yep you guessed it. I am doing ballet. Not just in a class, but 4 other dads, 2 grandads, and one brother, and I are going to be dancing Swan Lake in June's recital. I will give you a moment to stop laughing...............Better now?

Yes, our group of 8 is learning how to turn and point our toes and do all sorts of other leaps and steps I can not pronounce. We will do our number in a tutu. Since it is a bit see thru we will be wearing white boxers underneath. Add in the white tee, pink slippers, and a hair piece, (Katie says we will have to glue mine on) and you will have the oddest looking group of guys ever assembled in a dance recital.

I am actually having fun in the class. It is great exercise and we laugh at each other a lot. The teacher was so impressed that we learned so quickly, that she has us also learning a second number. It is a soft shoe tap number by Fred Astaire. I have suggested with our ages and lack of dance skills we should call ourselves the "Afraid of Stairs" instead of the Fred Astaires. The second number is a surprise. We are not telling anyone we are going to be doing it.

So, wish me luck. Pray I don't have a heart attack mid leap or that I don't trip on my skirt and break a hip. And before any of you ask, (Yes Dena I know you will) I plan to get a copy of the video from the recital and will be posting this to YouTube.

Santa used to be a gun slinging, chain-smoking, pervert

These are actual ads from years ago. I am old enough to remember these types of ads appearing each year at Christmas time. I am happy to say that Christmas is a lot safer for the children now that Santa has been to therapy!

We can see here why Santa is always looking to see where the bad girls live!
I can't really blame him since Mrs. Claus only let's him come once a year.
(Looking close at this picture, the skirt starts at the top of her thighs, and yet her butt is shown a lot higher.
What sort of legs does she have in between her butt and thighs?)

Correct me if I am wrong Santa, but doesn't smoking actually cause scratchy throats?

I guess if I was surrounded by perpetually happy midgets, I would smoke too.

"You'll shoot your eye out kid!"

"Insulting Batteries"

If any of you have a Facebook page, you know that one of the popular things to do on there is take silly surveys. You can find out important things about yourself like, "What 70's TV character am I?" or "What animal would I most likely turn into?" My son Tyler recently took one titled "What crime am I most likely to ever be arrested for?" His result was "Assault & Battery"

The other day, we were sitting in a restaurant having dinner and this survey came up. As we discussed it, my daughter sat with a puzzled look on her face. As soon as there was a moment silence she loudly asked, "Why would anyone insult a battery?" We all lost it and laughing so hard I am surprised we didn't get kicked out of the place!....tm

Buying a room for $1.31

Like most kids, mine are under the misconception that they own part of our house. Tyler had commented recently about the bedroom being "his." This then of course gave Kaity the idea that her bedroom was in fact "hers." I pointed out to both of them that in fact, my wife and I own the house (along with the bank) and that we allow them to live there for now. Of course being the smart ass that he is, Tyler had tossed 2 cents at me so he could claim his share of the home. I told him when he moves out I would go take the splinter he just bought and give it to him.

Last night Kaity and Tyler were having one of their several daily battles. Suddenly Kaity ran up the stairs and brought down her change bank. She opened it up and grabbed some change. She proceeded to count out what she grabbed. It totaled $1.31. She handed it to me and then walked over to Tyler, put her hands on her hips, looked him in the eye and said, "I just bought your room! Now go upstairs and clean your stuff out of it!" She then told him, "I am turning it into my storage room. I am going to store shoes and clothes and a piano!" I should point out that Kaity does not play the piano. In fact, we don't even own one.

I sat there laughing. It was just way too funny. Of course Kevin was just looking at both of them and half smiling. He shares the room with Tyler and just got evicted by his 8 year old sister. She told him, "Too bad." I am still chuckling over this whole thing.

By the way, can anyone come help me lug the piano upstairs for Kaity? .....tm

Toon 4 My Tuesday

Redneck Fire Alarm

Now that's funny stuff! I don't care who you are!

Question for you....

If you saw ME in a police car
what would you think I got arrested for?

It doesn't matter how well you know me. Just give me your best guess.
And for the record, I have never been arrested!

Toon 4 My Tuesday

Happiness Women -vs- Men

(A) How to Keep a Woman Happy"*
It's not at all difficult !

All you have to do is to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. Give her compliments regularly
45. Love shopping
46. Be honest
47. Be very rich
48. Not stress her out
49. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. Never to forget: birthdays anniversaries arrangements she makes

(B) HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY....!!! :

1. Leave him in peace
2. Feed him well.
3. Let him have the remote control.


...... are you seriously looking for more??

Toon 4 My Tuesday

Toon 4 my Tuesday

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

A proper decision by the courts..........for a change..

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY In Florida , an atheist created a case against the Upcoming Easter and Passover days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case dismissed!" The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the Ruling , "Your honor,how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays." The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do.. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant." The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists." The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day.. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned. You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!...........................

A Trip to Costco (This was too funny not to share)

A TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Tootsie, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.