Parenting with your head up your ass....

This is an open letter to all the oblivious parents out there:

Dear parent,

I am one of the Officers that deals with your teenager on a regular basis. I am writing to ask you why you allow your child to do the things they do out in the world. Are you aware that your 15 year old son is hanging out with about a dozen other boys and girls that all drink beer? You will be happy to know that your son says he was not drinking and he thinks it is stupid that all the rest were. Since you insist your child is an honest and "good kid" I am sure that the pictures I just saw, on the digital camera that was left behind when they all ran, of him chugging the Bud Light were simply posed. Oh your son's school back pack is in the back of my car at the moment. It seems to be full of beer that he was "just holding for a friend!" You can feel free to contact the office on Monday and get it back. I do have to ask why you didn't question the fact that he was leaving the house with an empty back pack to begin with. Especially since it is now 2 AM on a Thursday night....and school has been out for over a month. When you buy him a new one in September you may want to make sure it is slightly smaller than the size of a cold 18 pack of Bud Light. Oh and be sure to let your son know that I appreciated him spitting at me and calling me a "fucking asshole" It let me know he took a minute to notice that I was doing my job.

By now I am sure you are also wondering what became of your 16 year old daughter who also was out with her friends tonight. You know the one. She said she was "going to sleep at Lisa's house" tonight. Yes that would be the same Lisa that told her parents that she is sleeping at your house tonight. Well, it appears that the girls have learned what it takes to survive in life. When your son's friends could not get beer on their own, your daughter walked into 7-11 and offered to let the nice middle aged man see her naked in the back room if he would sell her the beer. When he agreed, she decided to give him a blow job in exchange for giving her the beer for free. How resourceful! I guess you taught her to be thrifty too!

Now I don't want you to think that all your kids do things they don't tell you about though. Your 17 year old daughter did actually go to the party with her friends. I know this because when I was getting coffee I overheard several boys talk about how hot it was to see your daughter involved in the girl-on-girl sex in the middle of the room while every one watched. These boys actually took pictures on their cell phone so that the poor guys with stricter parents get to see what they missed. It must have been a fun party since it was based on pretty things. I heard them call it a "Rainbow Party" Now if you don't know what a rainbow party is I suggest you Google it. I did and I was surprised to see it involves lipstick and penises and not actual rainbows. So much for the Kermit the Frog song now stuck in my head.

Well seeing what a fine job you are doing raising those kids I will end this here. I guess I don't have to tell you what your kids are doing next weekend. But, rest assured, I will be out there again confiscating the beer and telling your daughter to put her panties back on. So you can go right back to enjoying the feeling of warmth you get with your head up your own ass.

Yours Truly,
Officer Tom

PS-Could you please tell the kids to drink something other than Bud Light? I have enough of that in my fridge right now. Maybe tell your daughter if she goes even further with the store clerk, he will give her a case of Sam Adams.


What you read above is not made up. All 3 instances actually happened. Ok not to kids in the same family but, I did deal with those situations on various nights at work. What I am trying to point out to you is that your kids are not always as innocent as you would like to think. They may be drinking and having sex. They may do drugs and they can get into trouble. Take the time to ask them where they are going. Never assume that because they have a cell phone that they are safe or behaving. You can not save all their friends but, you are only responsible for raising your own. At the very least please teach them that people like me are not trying to put an end to their fun. We were young once too. Forget the fact that I am a Code Enforcement Officer. I am also a dad and I would not want my own kids doing these things!